my grandmother is "actively dying". this is a phrase which a friend of my mom's who works at a retirement home used to describe the state my grandmother is in. I saw her on Christmas, it is likely the last time I will see her.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty that it didn't really matter to me one way or another whether I saw her on Christmas. I feel guilty that I don't feel worse about what is happening to this grandmother--when I can hardly talk about my other grandmother without crying, almost 10 years after she died. I feel guilty that the only part of this that makes me sad is what a burden it is on my mom. She's the closest of the three daughters so she's the one that has to go over and bathe her, read her her mail, make sure she's eating, make sure she's not driving. she had the secretary of state take her driver's license away because she has macular degeneration of her eyes, and since her second stroke she has trouble lifting her feet. my grandma told her cousin she was still going to drive, so my mom has to go to her house to make sure she's not.
I feel bad for my mom because she has never had the best relationship with her mother, but she is obligated to take care of her now. My grandmother is stubborn in all the worst ways, manipulative and jealous. Throughout the years she gave away any money she saved to the family, hinting that she knew we wouldn't leave her on her own when she was no longer healthy enough to take care of herself--no one wanted the money because it seemed like a bribe.
This is the story that I always use to illustrate my grandmother to people: she had a heart attack, did not tell anyone. she had another the next morning, and went to work. at work they told her she looked like crap and that she need to go to the hospital immediately, and made her leave. she left, went to the salon, got her hair done, went home, changed her clothes, and then called 911. She has diabetes, does not take her insulin, and seems surprised whenever she feels better after she eats.
Also, on a completely selfish note, it makes me realize that I do want to have kids/a family, because no matter what our relationship is like (though, I hope to never be like my grandmother, but you never know), I won't have to be alone in my old age.
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